You, Your Family, and Mental Illness:
jumps from one extreme to the other. You neither understand nor have any way to
stop it. You have been depressed before; but this is like nothing anyone can
imagine. It is a blackness beyond belief. You feel as if you are drowning in an
emotional pit with no bottom. The force is pulling you down. The harder you try
to get out, the further down you fall. It is covering you. There is no light,
no way out.
There is no accounting for falling into the pit or for
getting out, but you do get out. You can feel the high times coming. They are
not good for you or your family; but here they come. You are a winner. Your
special powers and abilities are coming back. There is no end to your energy.
You can take on the world; and whatever you do turns to gold. You can think
better, talk faster, and the sky is the limit. Everything you say is funny,
every idea you have will work. You are smarter and more clever than anyone. If
you think it, you say it. If you feel like it, you do it. They say you are sick
but they do not understand. If they knew how good it feels, they would never
try to bring you down.
Are you fat? You think you are; but whether you are is not
the point. You have to control your appearance. You have to get to where you
look good to you.
Do you watch what you eat and stay on a sensible diet? Do
you avoid fattening foods? All that works for other people but not for you. You
have to keep at it twenty-four hours a day.
You cannot make yourself completely stop eating but you try.
People say you are too thin and are not healthy. They are just trying to get
you to eat. It is not true. You need to lose just a little more and you will
You pretend you are not interested in food and eating. It
could not be further from the truth. You think about food, get food for others,
hide food, and carry food around to prove to yourself you are in control. If
you slip, no problem. A few laxatives or a good vomit and you are back in
But there are times when you save up. You carefully horde
your supply and eat it all at once. It is a binge such as the world has never
seen. If anyone knew you ate it all, they would think you are crazy. Maybe you
are. You wonder if they are right.
Do you trust people? Of course you do not trust everyone.
Come to think about it, you do not trust anyone. You do not even always trust
the people you sometimes trust. Anyone will turn on you. The truth is everyone
will do you in if it serves their purposes. People are that way. It is human
Mistrusting is not the half of it. If anyone knew the kinds
of thoughts and feelings you are really having, well, you believe they would
think you are quite weird. You think you are weird. You know you are weird. Not
really. The truth is it is all true. The thoughts and ideas you are having are
true whether anyone believes you.
People are trying to poison you. The coded messages are
there every night on the TV news. They think you do not know but you do. You
try to tell them but they will not listen, will not believe. It is not
surprising. They never believe the seventh son of the seventh son of the Tribe
of Dan of the Dins and the Duns and a direct descendent of the divine. A
prophet in his own time is always scorned and turned away.
You are afraid. It is there and never goes away. What are
you afraid of; what do you think will happen? It is not like being afraid of
someone or something. You are just afraid. Sometimes it is less. It can almost
go away if you are at home, if you are in your room. Even then, there are
times. The panic takes you, controls you. You are dizzy. You cannot breathe.
You are going to pass out. You wish you could pass out. You wish you could die.
You are almost all right so long as you stay away from
crowds, do not go out, are not by yourself. No, you are not all right but it is
not as bad as the panic and fear, the painful, terrifying fear. You know
something is wrong with you. There is something very wrong. The doctor says you
are neurotic. Your family thinks you are crazy. Maybe you are crazy. You know
you are not crazy but there is something badly wrong. You have to do something,
take something to keep the panics away.
The voice says you have to do something. It is not really
there but it is. It says bad things to you, calls you bad names, tells you to
do bad things. It is not always there but is real, is not a dream. It is telling
you to hurt someone. You have to do it. You cannot refuse.
The voice tells you to look. It is true, it is the Devil.
You must keep him away. He is in your cup; and if you drop it, the Devil will
be loose on the world. You must kill evil people. You must keep the Devil in
the cup and kill evil. You have been chosen to protect the world.