You are lost and at a loss about what to do. Your sense of who you are is gone. The center of your world, what made your life worthwhile is not there and is not going to return. Now you have no center, no reason for living. Your pain, despair, and loneliness are too great, more than you can stand, more than you want to stand.
You do not want to die so much as you just cannot go on living like this. It has to end. You no longer matter. Whether you are here or not does not make enough difference to suffer through.
Why are you so devastated? Did you lose your spouse, your job, your child, your best friend? Did things turn out so lousy you cannot stand it? Did life do you in so badly you have to get out? Did you mess up so much you would rather be dead than face up to it? Is the prospect of living in your world so bad that being dead is better? Is being you something even you cannot keep doing?
No one understands or wants to understand. It is worse. If anyone took the time, if you let them understand, they would agree. You need to be dead. You think about it a lot. You are not crazy; you have thought about it and thought about it. You know how you will do it. You will do it right this time.
Here is how it is. You have lost control of yourself and your life. You cannot handle the prospect of going on the way it is and can do nothing to change it. You are powerless to help yourself. At least you can control whether you live or die. You have to choose to die.